Hey.

In a comment on a previous post, a friend shared 2 Timothy 1:7 with me, and I wanted to share it here with some comments.

"God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. [...He] has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace."

2 Timothy 1:7, 9a

I really liked these two verses, because it reminds me of the kind of person I am in Christ. His spirit is in me, and that spirit is not afraid, but powerful, loving, and self-disciplined.

When I am actually doing what God wants me to do, the times when I am really trusting in Him, I am generally not afraid. Of anything. Which is a little strange, since I am afraid/worried about a lot of stuff. Unfortunately, this leads to stress and turbulence in my life.

Sometimes I feel powerless. The times when that happens the most is when I realize that I have been trying for so long to change something about myself, without any luck. Another is when I know there is something wrong in a person or group or structure (more stressful if I know what the problem is and how to fix it) but I can't fix it. Another is when I can't help a friend feel better when I know they need it. But when I think about the things that God can do, like create the world--by talking!--or having people recognize His power when He walks by (like the sick lady who touched His robe), I am reminded that I do have power through Him. And that prayer can actually fix a lot of these things.

Lately, I have something in me that is nudging me to pray more often, for longer, and more specifically. In particular, I have been feeling "smooshed" to pray for changes in certain situations or people. ("Smooshed" because it feels like something is pushing me toward a certain direction or thing, but in a good way.)

My own spirit is loving when it suits me. It's a love of convenience. I would like it to be a love unconditional, for everyone. Sometimes, when I am walking and I pass a stranger (especially when they are talking on the cell phone and it's obviously drama) I get an overwhelming sense that I care so deeply for this person that I have no idea about except the 2-16 seconds of conversation that I just overheard. And sometimes they aren't even on the phone, just walking by me, and I still get this sense that I need to pray for them. Sometimes it is for just then, other times, I continue to remember them all day. Sometimes it is for people I know, but usually with people I am not as close with. I want to feel like that for everyone I meet, because I know God loves that way.

Self-discipline is always an interesting one for me, since in most cases, I am one of the most self-directed people I know. However, the issue is usually balance for me. I get tired of being responsible and confined and I go way on the other end and don't do anything I should. It generally corresponds with me saying "yes" to everything that comes up, getting really overwhelmed and then saying "no" to everything until I feel less overwhelmed. It doesn't seem like I have any middle ground. But God does, and He wants us to have fun but to also be responsible with our time, bodies, minds, etc. Practicing self-discipline in Christ leads to peace and the ability to stand strong against other's suggestions and temptations. It also allows true freedom because there is no pendulum ready to come swinging straight back at you with all the responsibilities and other things that you have been putting off in order to fake the feeling of freedom.

Since I am a very passionate, intense person, my own spirit is quite strong and I have trouble yielding to God's spirit. But I know in my head that in everything He is asking me to do is for my best. He is calling me to something more than what I have right now. He wants me to remember that it isn't because of what I did but because He has a plan for me.

Please keep praying that I will remember this and submit to His knowledge of my future and how things will all work out for the best that He has planned, rather than the good (or even the "just okay") that I have planned.

Thanks,
spazham

Hey.

Today I read Hebrews 10:22-25. I want to go through what I was thinking bit by bit:

"let us draw near to God"

To me, the phrase "draw near" gives the picture of allowing yourself to be pulled toward something, not dragged, but gently guided in the right direction so that you still need to walk, but that you don't have to walk alone. This is a call to action, not just a passive idea. Unfortunately, I haven't been that active about this; instead, I have only sometimes thought about Him and that pull that He has on my heart.

"with a sincere heart"

This is difficult for me to do, because lately I have felt very split between the things that I want to do and the things that I feel God is making me do, including spending time with Him. However, it is interesting that the more time I spend with God, the more I want to spend with Him. This is nice, because I often think that God is requiring things from me that I will never live up to, so why try. He will always be disappointed in me. But that is a lie. God wants me to come to Him now, before I'm perfect, because if I wait until I'm perfect, it will be too late. The verse that comes to mind right now is Romans 5:6-8, which says, "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." So the only thing I need to do is to honestly come before God, without trying to hide things from Him or being afraid of how I feel and the things that I would rather do, but to tell Him about them and give them away to Him.

"in full assurance of faith"

I can come to God sincerely because of this next part of the verse. I am sure that He loves me, I have full faith in that. It is actually a oddly freeing feeling because it means He doesn't want me to share my secrets with Him because He'll try to share them with everyone else, but because He wants to know everything about me because I tell Him everything (He already knows, but it's like if your mother already knows you broke a fancy vase because she saw you knock it over. She might still ask, "What happened to the vase?" She is giving you a chance to be honest.)

"having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water."

I didn't think too much about this phrase, but the thing that did stand out to me was the fact that I do feel guilty a lot. God is the one who can take away that guilt and make me pure.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess"

This is hard for me right now, because it seems like I am living in a place that is openly hostile to Christianity and any church activities. It is especially hard when certain people treat me differently because I go to church, or when professors, books, etc explain things like there is only one possible way things could have happened (which is a bad practice in science anyway, so I don't really know why they do it). So sometimes it seems like there is no way that things are going to be worth this effort to not just stop thinking and agree, to go do things that everyone else is doing because I am tired of waiting for a future reward for avoiding things now. But then I read this verse and it reminds me that there is hope, and I need to think about what it is that I am living out.

"for he who promised is faithful"

And this is why I can wait, why it still seems (sometimes just barely) better to wait. God keeps His promises. If He says it is worth it, then it is worth it. It doesn't mean it won't be hard, actually He promised it would be difficult, but this is good to remember when I think that I want to give up and give in.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds"

This is one of my favorite parts of today's reading, because it is so opposite of my regular thinking. Sometimes I just hate someone so much that I don't want to spur them on toward anything other than the edge of a tall cliff. But God calls me to something better, something with more love. It is an nice reminder to encourage people to be the best people they can be. And I can't really do this well without loving them first, which is interesting, because part of the way I define love is making sure the other person is better off because of their relationship with you. If I do this well, eventually, I will have other people helping me to be more loving and do more good things for others also.

"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing"

Last Sunday, I didn't go to church because I didn't feel like it. No other reason. I was awake, I wasn't sick, I didn't have a bunch of homework or an exam to study for, I wasn't travelling. Right now, I am actually in the habit of meeting with other Christian friends for spiritual benefit (not just fun social activities) at church and occasional lunches or email conversations, but many times in the past, I have let that slide and decided that I didn't need it. Very shortly after making decisions like that, I tend to get involved with my non-Christian friends and start losing the motivation to make the daily decisions to live for God. So it is pretty important to me to keep going to church. Again, a nice reminder for next week.

"let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching"

Sometimes I do not encourage people at all, and will often try to discourage them because they drive me crazy and something in me wants them to not be happy. But this is not right, and I am praying that I will change. Everyone needs encouragement now and again, and I always appreciate it when someone does something that really helps me feel better, either spiritually, physically, or mentally. It is nice when that happens, but it is also nice when you see how much something you do matters to someone else. As things get more difficult in life, we need to help each other stay motivated and encouraged. I am going to try to do at least one thing to encourage someone every day for the next week, and see what happens.

Thanks for reading and please keep praying,

spazham

Hey,

A friend reminded me about Bible reading, I have been letting myself get distracted lately, so when they reminded me, I read some things about decisions and motives.

One was 1 Samuel 8, when Israel was first rejecting God as their King and asking for a new king, because everyone else had one. The second was 2 Samuel 24 when David took a census of all the fighting men in Israel because he was concerned about the strength of the army rather than trusting in God for protection. He hadn't done anything God had explicitly told him not to do, but he still was convicted and knew he was wrong (which God acknowledged and punished him for). In both stories, the people's impure motives were caused by a rejection of what God had for them, leading to huge consequences.

So the application of this for me would be to think and pray about why I'm choosing to spend time with certain people or why I go along with certain things in certain situations that I wouldn't have in other situations.

spazham